"I had not expected" 6.12.07

I had not expected to be here today. I thought the condescending insurance lady would keep me on the phone all morning with her explanation of the semantics of dealing with claims. One time in a techniques of poetry class I expressed my desire to communicate by mumbling. Wouldn't it be so much easier? (scribble scribble) like that. Why can't I express myself like that? Why do I have to deal with literal-minded people who try to tell me there's a difference between submitting a claim and filing a claim. It's like talking to a peanut butter sandwich. One that has fallen on the floor. Face down.

I had not expected that living with someone would be so maddening and so rewarding.

Last night online I saw a headline for a Vanity Fair link to a book excerpt by Tina Brown about Princess Di. The headline was "Public saint, private sinner." What the hell does that mean? Does that not describe, oh, I don't know, the human race?

I had not expected that the air would be filled with such energy. All of the people milling about, yet all of them centered, with a sense of purpose. Not a goal, but a purpose. To live and then to not live.

I had not expected that my hand would be so sore after several weeks away from writing practice. I never expected that my handwriting would be such a rare phenomenon.

(I hadn't expected it would take me that long to remember how to spell and write phenomenon.)

I had not expected to live in a time of war. It almost makes me laugh to think about it because the only war I had ever known was cold. That was how I understood war -- it had evolved into a standstill. Threats occasionally but no action.

This isn't a war, this is killing.

I had not expected to go on a political rant.

I hadn't expected that I would seriously consider applying for a position at the New York Times. I also had not expected my boyfriend to tell me that he didn't want me to apply, not because he thought I wouldn't get it, but because he thinks I'm good enough that I would get it.

I never expected to feel disappointed that I might aspire to greatness. I always had an idea that there was always something greater. I have taken comfort in that, that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough.

I had not expected that life would be so dull. I didn't understand when I was younger that sanity requires living in reality. What a sad predicament.